Saturday, 28 March 2009

• Around 1992 my relationship with my dad started to crumble.  He was good with kids.  I think teenagers scared him.  In 2000 my parents marriage started to fall apart before my eyes (I know it was a longer road, but that's when I first saw it).  By 2003 it was all over.
  
  A year ago today, the last bit of hope I had that this could be fixed, was lost.  My dad was dead.
  
  Someone asked me not long ago, to try to explain my hope and how his death really changed that.  Did I really think that things could be better?  Did I really think things could be restored?  Was it even possible that he could be the father I wanted?  Yes, there is grief and sadness with his death, but how did it relate to wishing for what never could be anyway?
  
  These broken relationships were like fine china, smashed into pieces.  Too small to be put back together, and even if they were, it would be an ugly mess.  Nothing like before.  But as long as I had all the pieces, I had hope.  I worship an Almighty God.  He can do anything, right?
  
  But when he died, it was like he took his pieces of the china with him.  NEVER became an ugly word.  Because NEVER could my family be whole again.  NEVER could I feel safe with my dad again.  NEVER.  You can't have HOPE when you have NEVER.
  
  Yes, FAILURE was written over my relationship with my dad and I.  Yes, DIVORCE was written over my family.  And yes, they were written in indelible ink.  But as long as he was here, I could HOPE that this was only written in dry erase and he would come back and wipe them away.  But now I can't pretend any more.
  
  So was it even HOPE at all?  Was it just a self-delusion?  Where do you find the line between accepting realty and having faith that all things are possible for those who trust in Him?  Do I hurt because I lost HOPE?  Or do I hurt because He said NO in the loudest, clearest voice possible?
  

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